Some babies were dropped on their heads, but {player} was clearly thrown at a wall!
{player}'s skill is more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
{player}, don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me amazing, what happened to {player}?
{player} is not as bad as people say, they're much, much worse.