Let’s try something different this time and I’m going to write the first thing that comes to mind. I’m not going to organize anything into sections as I usually do. I simply want to… Feel. And express myself. Without talking about the IRL stressors I’ve dealt with (work) for the entire month of August. That is something I have talked about separately before.

I simply just want you to read it and take that information for what you will before approaching me again.

Enjoy the experience.

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You know… 

I haven’t even had the time to really hone in and sit down in the moment how I feel. August just came and went just like that. 

I’m staring at the ceiling as I’m writing this while laying down on my bed.

I realize that time and time again, everyone has to put themselves out there, have to face rejection, things not working out as planned. 

And I thought to myself, well maybe if a lot of people only come to see me for my knowledge, maybe I will see people more often. But that would only be very productive in a professional or a colleague level of relationship. That just about my entire life, I never really considered any of the positive traits or my personality. Because I take myself for granted and I just be myself because I enjoy being myself. I don’t really think on it all that much after… Except when I am by myself and feel like I am surrounded by some sort of barrier I believe myself to be in. 

Unironically every time I get back online and actually put myself out there, someone will eventually remember me and will say hey, how’s it going and all. In those moments? It feels like it gives me another reason to put myself out there and talk to people. 

I wouldn’t have had the amazing memories I’ve had with some of you near and dear people, a soulmate here and there, and some that are unconditionally wanting me to speak up whenever I want to on my own terms. 

I think it’s about time to address the elephant in the room why despite I’ve had many great conversations with most of the people and have accepted friend requests, I end up not saying a word at all. Now, working overtime would be 50% of the equation. But the other half is really just me.

This affects all of you, but when I know when I am not feeling in that ideal state to talk, I tend to just stay quiet and do my own thing. I haven’t reached out or initiated to the vast majority of my DMs in… On average, I’d say with this current wave of people I met in 2026 around 3 months. People in 2025 are over a year+ I haven’t initiated. 

“And what is up with that Crit? Why do you barely reach out! Say something!”

That’s just the thing, I lost discernment and can’t differentiate between who actually wants me to message them, and who does not want me to message them.
This is also compounded by the fact that I still feel burnout to the extent that I still do not feel like I have a soul, that spark, that inertia to swing that swing set and have enough burst of energy to just be out there and initiate most of the time. I get around this by instead, gauging how other people talk to me. If they show me through their voice, or body language that they want to see me again? I will definitely reach out more often that much is true. 

But in the real world, that’s not how meeting new people can work out efficiently if you want to keep your doors open and be ready to talk to a ton of strangers. And that’s fine by me, because this is my system as to how I can still maintain the ability to be social. Does it feel awful that compared to the previous years I’ve been a lot less social? Kind of. I understand myself where I’m coming from, but to constantly compare yourself 24/7 is a plague in humanity in itself that can spiral into being a doomer. So I’ll simply acknowledge that there are certain parts of me that have changed as a person. 

The one thing that my entire life has taught me personally is the concept of Friendship. This is probably the most shocking thing for those of you who have yet to read any of my Crit blogs. But that’s actually the most difficult word for me to take in despite how most of you have visually seen me be approached by a lot of people whether it’s on my Discord Server or VRC itself. 

About this word… “Friend”.

I do not think it has any meaning unless both sides want to see each other equally. And once upon a time for the last decade, I used to be so eager to meet people and talk that I initiated almost all the time. But I’ve been humbled and learned certain social cues to where the other person was not really interested in talking to me long term, they were only being cordial about it. So that was one thing I’ve learned that I realized… You can be as eager as you are to meet new people, but paying attention to how people react to you is very important in determining who to decide to talk to more. If they are not as attentive or not really interact with you all that often in a group setting, let alone when the group disbands, will that person be willing to stay to talk to you longer? More often than not from my experience, the answer is no, they don’t. 

I realized that’s fine. If I put my logical thinking cap here for a second, you could be the most polite, attentive and pleasant company to be in the moment, and it’s not even your fault. I have notated this in my past blog entry regarding “That Dreaded F-Word” is that most people when they reach their bandwidth of people who they want in their life? It is significantly much harder to be included or added as a person to talk to. They will still recognize you as an acquaintance in a crowd and all. But you get to be the side character or NPC from their point of view in their life. 

Who do I believe is a genuine friend to me is an even harder question to answer. Mainly because I am dealing with a condition to where I no longer have any emotion or that burning kindle of fire ignited that wants to crave someone like that for a while. However… I actually end up feeling that way when someone chooses me and comes to me first. Even saying that they would wish to see me again. I know in those instances, that is where the “Crit” everyone knows and loves show up and shine. The goofy sounding guy who is polite, this is where I recently understand that is the version a lot of people see. 

Now because of that condition… The unfortunate reality is that statistically speaking though, I’ve already lost more than half of those people that hit the ‘friend’ button because likely most people function to where they want to be communicated with first. If you don’t say much to a person, they have every right to assume that you’re not really interested in keeping touch with them. And people can just move on without you on a dime. Remove you even. And that’s their right, that’s just how the social world works. (I do assure everyone that does read this and decides to add me as a friend on any social platform, I’m always around to read your message. But it takes a while for me to open up.)

And yet, I just desire that chase to have some sort of conversation long as it is not controversial in nature. I’ve been listening into conversations more in a public space. Not a lot of those conversations grab my attention the way they used to be when more than half of those is gossip, banter, and how many drinks they have until they crash out on the floor. Or just be very crude to each other. It is what it is. 

What I find even more fascinating despite my aloof and drifting nature is the people that take interest in talking to me that end up keeping in touch every once in a while. 

From my understanding of how most social dynamics work in just about my entire lifetime of socializing, a lot of people like to have a relatively small circle of close confidants to be able to reach out to often. The OGs they like to see habitually every day or week ideally. There are those who are on the social media grind and they keep their public facing personality open to meet anyone, but behind closed doors they only would want to really keep in touch with their significant other or close friends. This much was discovered in “That Dreaded F-Word” entry when I wrote it, however… 

I don’t think it’s often for the perspective of a Drifter such as myself who can keep on being social with all sorts of strangers to write in on the matter. Let alone, how I manage to make it work to where I have a following on Discord and VRC. 

I genuinely and truly thought that I am not capable of being close to anyone, period. But it was only my opinion based on how I perceived myself and what my thoughts were. But to put that to the test, I simply just put myself out there in public spaces more. 

It turns out… A lot of people do not see me as a Drifter, that I was very approachable. They enjoy that I do not have a huge burst of energy and bombard them with a lot of questions. I give people space and room to talk. When people stare at me for more than a few seconds and look at me, I certainly wave and nod to give the body language to suggest that I am open to let you talk to me about anything you want. Most people end up taking it. 

Perhaps this is it, I’ve hit a niche to where I unconditionally let people talk to me on their own terms. From my perspective I was just simply focusing on being myself and just wandering around and about. 

There is a quote I’ve unironically been living just about the whole time from Bertrand Russell’s book ‘The Conquest of Happiness’. This quote states:

“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”

The word “Happiness” aside, which I will explain my slight reservation on in a moment… This quote is quite profound. So meaningful. Very enlightening for a book made in 1930. 

What I believe the quote is really digging into is that you need to give yourself permission to want to enjoy hobbies. But also allow yourself permission to talk to people in general whether you know them as someone close, or a complete stranger. For without those two elements and let alone willing to open your mind to try this out, one will become in a perpetual state of misery. 

Let’s say, sure, you have both the above but you still are not in a good mood or mindset… At that point, there needs to be more room and time to reflect on yourself on what do you really want out of life that is within your control? Key word: Within your control. Other people are not within your control as everyone has a free will. People will say no and walk away from you for any reason, or sometimes no reason at all. Humans are by nature, very impulsive beings. They will definitely gravitate to someone they are naturally attracted to a lot more than others and will try to make time or effort interacting with them. 

What you can control however, is how you present yourself and the atmosphere you bring to the table. That is what I always focus on when I meet new people. I prefer to put whatever personal issues are to rest, put it in the back seat, put the work stress behind and focus on living right now in the present. More importantly, just being ready to interact with people because honestly? You never know who you’ll meet that end up sticking around with you for the long haul. 

With “Happiness” on the other hand…

That word in itself is a trap in terms of how people approach that word. I’m not saying to never ever be happy, that’s ridiculous of me to say. What I’m saying is that a lot of people believe that happiness is a state that one should constantly be in 24/7. But that in itself is a huge flaw.

Since humans are emotionally driven beings by default and each emotion has a shelf life before that emotion fades away… The way it is sought after is like an addiction. And that in itself can spiral pretty quickly to quite terrible courses of actions. If you have seen the life of people who are addicted to various concepts or substances, you already know how awful it can get. 

Chasing constantly of “being happy” to the point you would bend the rules just to be with a particular person and break boundaries tend to be from my experience, the most common horror stories that people will talk about with “ah its that creep!” Or that bad ex-friend or ex-partner. This is no wonder why the current social landscape is at an all time low, throw in the social media trying to tell people the “green flags”, the “red flags”, the “if you are not 6 feet, 6 inches, 6 figures”, mix that with hardship on the economy and people simply can’t afford to live together now under one income— But enough on the latter, that’s going to get political real quick and I am not interested in going into detail on that side, we are all feeling that one together… Heh…

And yet in a strange way… People need each other to just have some sort of conversation to not feel as empty. Soulless, to feel like the only thing that you exist is to go to work to collect a paycheck because your brain is worth a decent amount (calling myself out here). Despite all that is going on with the world… I understand why people desire to want to talk to strangers.

I’m fortunate to be that stranger for you. Just remember: My true potential only shines when you desire to see me.

It’s likely why when people react when you say the word “Crit”, a lot of people do think of me well or at least a person that people can agree on and say, “Yeah, Crit’s a chill guy.” And to date, there are people on a monthly basis who I end up keeping back in touch and state, “Hey I remember you!” And some of those people I end up having recently fond memories of that makes me feel like yes, I actually want to initiate talking to them again.

Every time I attempt to walk away, one of you guys tell me that I’m a pleasant fella to be around. 

It’s taken many, many years and people from all walks of life to tell me that. 

I’m going to start believing in that and keep being myself. 

Though what remains to be had for my own personal progress is how to live with the current Crit of 2026. 

How can I live my life when a part of me is fundamentally broken to where I can’t seem to generate my own interest of reaching out to people, but I’m still interested in having conversations in general? 

I actually do not have a solution at all. As a matter of fact? This is my biggest, most detrimental flaw I have to date I know that I will end up drifting away from even more people after that. I’d argue that… I may just have to accept living like this and accept that I’m severely weak in this department. Debilitating, handicapped, even disabled in this department. 

And yet… Every year people warm up and get closer to me anyway despite knowing all this, and then people just come and go like that.

It hurts, but this is the burden and cost of this flaw of mine as a person.

To want to have a conversation, but not be the first person to initiate at all AND at the same time not feeling the need or pressure to have to make a friend are the most conflicting and confusing feelings and a situation anyone could deal with. I have yet to meet anyone who is exactly like me with this condition. 

Conveniently enough, I have a name for all of this…

This is truly “Schrödinger's Crit” at its’ finest.